Fall is finally here, which means two things: it is cool enough to cook without turning my kitchen into a blazing hot inferno, and football season is officially up and running. This is the time of year when I actually look forward to throwing together some Crock-Pot recipes, prepping a variety of goodies for the game-day spread, and stocking up on all those miscellaneous Fall treats that are looking extra irresistible.
Usually, I am a diehard Walmart order pickup kind of broad (and I have been long before the stupid pandemic made it cool) because it helps cut back on the silly impulse buys and it also shields me from the general public. But every now and then, you just want to hand-pick your own damn roast, grab the exact right snacks for the game, and browse the aisles in peace.
In the words of Vivian from Pretty Woman after the uppity sales girls treated her like shit: Big mistake. Huge.
Seriously, What was I Thinking?!
Against my better judgement, I actually stepped inside the grocery store this week, and it took only three seconds for me to remember why I avoid it like the plague. It is entirely too “peopley” out there, and where there’s people, there’s stupid. It is as if the instant some individuals stroll through those sliding glass doors with their carts, their brains completely shut down and the concept of other human beings existing is no longer a thing.
It is irritating, inconsiderate, and it’s becoming a widespread epidemic. Welcome to the presence of Main Character Syndrome in the grocery aisle.
It’s Your World, We’re Just Living in it
If you aren’t familiar with the term (and I myself just found out about it pretty recently), Main Character Syndrome is when someone acts like they are the starring protagonist of life, and the rest of us are just nameless, low-value extras randomly scattered in the background. In a grocery store, this shows up in the most infuriating ways possible:
- The Horizontal Parker: Leaving a cart either diagonally or totally sideways across a narrow grocery store aisle while sending a long reply to a text, digging in what must be a bottomless purse, or gawking at a can of peas like you’ve never seen one before. Put it in the cart or don’t, but get the hell out of the way.
- The Family Reunion: Blocking the entire cereal section to have an all-out gab fest about someone’s cousin’s wedding. Get out of the way, Debbie. Do this shit in the parking lot or something. Anywhere but where I and half of the other people in the store are trying to be.
- The Aimless Drifter: Moving slower than molasses dead-center down the aisle, fully and totally oblivious to the massive pile-up of annoyed shoppers forming behind them.
The “Be Kind” Disclaimer (Before You Call Me a Hypocrite)
I know what some of you are thinking. “Wow, she sounds incredibly self-important and impatient. You don’t know what people are going through! Be kind!” Blah, blah, blah. Trust me, I absolutely do keep that in mind. I understand that people have bad days, receive tragic news, or generally have heavy shit on their minds. But let’s be so for real here: in 95% of these cases, these people aren’t in the crushing throes of processing existential trauma. They just have their heads entirely up their asses. There is a very distinct, visible difference between someone having a tough day and someone who simply lacks a shred of spatial awareness.
It Happens to the Best of Us
None of these words are meant to imply that I claim to be a perfect saint when it comes to grocery store etiquette. In fact, I recently had a moment where I was the accidental villain. I completely spaced out at a local store. I was totally lost in my own head and this was paired with wondering how I can consistently lose my giant husband in the blink of an eye when we go places (I swear I need to get him a leash). When I finally returned to reality from my out-of-body experience and turned around, a store employee was just standing there, patiently waiting for me to move.
They didn’t even say anything. They didn’t give me a fully deserved, loud “Excuse me, ma’am.” Which, honestly, I appreciate, because I am 100% dealing with an internal crisis over being old enough to be called “ma’am” by strangers in public. (When did that happen?)
But here is the difference: when I realized I was in the way, I felt an immediate wave of burning shame, apologized profusely, and scrambled out of their path. Those afflicted with Main Character Syndrome do not do this. They look at you like you are the bane of their existence simply for needing to get past their overstuffed cart to grab a bag of coffee.
Helpful Hints for Not Getting Cussed Out in the Snack Aisle
So, as we dive head-first into the best cooking, baking, and snacking season of the year, here is a friendly public service announcement: Get out of everyone’s way and do your best to quit acting like you’re the only person in the world who matters. Perhaps give treating the aisles like actual roads a try. Pull over if you need to read a label. Check your blind spots before you dart out into the middle of the aisle to get around the next person or abruptly halt your cart. Remember that the people around you have lives, game-day kickoffs to catch, and their own schedules that matter just as much as yours.
As for me? Before I head into work today (ew), I’ll be getting a jump on scheduling my Walmart pickup order for next week so I don’t end up making the same mistake and losing my everloving mind. That way, all I’ll have to worry about next Sunday is enjoying my Crock-Pot chili and watching the game from the safety of my couch.
I Can't Be The Only One 
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